


Monsters

by Otakupunk



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Angst, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, season two spoilers, set after s2m43
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:00:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23185888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otakupunk/pseuds/Otakupunk
Summary: Runner Five is in a bit of a bind. Sam is not equipped to handle this, but he has to try.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Monsters

Runner Five had been acting strangely ever since they returned home from their run with Runner Eight. They had been completely isolating themself from everyone, to the point of retreating from the kitchens to the dorms at dinnertime. They hadn't said a word to anyone about anything, even when asked.

Okay, none of this was _that_ unusual-- Five had always been something of a loner, and although they were mostly friendly, they were cautious, restrained, and slow to open up. But that was the problem-- they had been opening up, they had been getting more comfortable little by little. They hadn't been this self-isolating in months. They had even pushed Runner Four away tonight, and that had become increasingly rare for them.

Sam knew why. Or at least, he could guess. He knew Five had some issues-- different as they were, they were pretty similar in that way. Finding out one of your friends is a traitor and helplessly watching the other one go grey can't have helped matters any. He also knew Five would be reluctant to talk about what was going on. As it was, it had been a stroke of luck to learn what little he had about them. 

He felt he had to help, somehow. He couldn't just let Five go through all this alone.

It was with this in mind that he had made his way to the Runner's dormitories and located Five's room. He could hear the faint sound of their music playing through the closed door. Gently, but firm enough for them to hear, Sam rapped on the door.

There was no answer. Sam tried again, rapping a bit harder this time. "Five?"

Nothing. They were ignoring him, probably hoping whoever was on the other side of the door would simply give up and go away.

"Five? It's Sam."

Still no response. He was about to try one last time before he heard them again, their voice resigned. "Come in."

He slowly opened the door and stepped into the room. Five was lying on their bed, one knee raised, their arms spread out on either side. They stared at the ceiling, their face impassive. They hadn't bothered undressing, still wearing their running gear. They hadn't even removed their scarf.

"Five? Um... you left the mess hall kind of early."

"I sure did." Their tone belied a massive unspoken "duh" at the end of that statement.

He crossed to the bed, grabbing a folding chair on the way, and opened it, taking a seat. He actually wasn't sure what to do here. He wished he had opted in to that psychological first aid course that Maxine held that one time. Somehow it simply never occurred to him that he might meet anybody this bad off.

"Are... are you doing alright?"

They squinted at the ceiling, as though trying to make a decision about something. Finally they closed their eyes and sighed. "Hardly."

"Um... do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Um, er, do you... Curly-Wurly?" He pulled the chocolate bar from the pocket of his hoodie and offered it to his Runner. He always kept at least one on him in case of an emergency, for which this seemed to qualify.

Five huffed, the corners of their mouth just barely pulling upwards. "You can give it to me, but I can't guarantee that I'll eat it."

Unsure how to respond to that, he simply laid the Curly-Wurly by their side. They clearly weren't in the mood to say anything, and he couldn't do much more for them without more information, but he wasn't going to just leave them. "Um... do you maybe want any tea? Maybe that'll help."

They rolled over so that they were now facing the wall. "You Brits think tea solves everything."

"Excuse you, tea is a universally-recognized comfort food." Yes, it was a particularly prominent comfort food in Britain, but that had nothing to do with his suggestion.

"Whatever. Just... I don't want anything. Please go."

He shook his head, even though they couldn't see him. "I can't. You... I don't want to just leave you alone. You don't have to deal with all this alone."

"I have all these years."

"You shouldn't have to keep doing it. Please, at least just talk to me. I'm worried about you, Five, everyone is."

"There's no reason to be."

"Maybe you don't think so, but we are. Just... say _something._ Even if I can't help, I can at least listen."

A pause. It lasted nearly a full minute. Sam shifted awkwardly in the chair, unsure of what to say, or how to coax Five to speak.

"Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"There's not a whole lot that's worse than the zombie apocalypse, is there?" They rolled back over to face him, and rose to a sitting position.

"Uh... I don't think there is?" He wasn't sure where Five was going with this question.

"So, all of our old stresses, our traumas from before... they shouldn't mean anything, right? We should be able to just... get over them? They're all in the past, and nobody lived in an apocalypse back then, so none of it matters, right?"

"I... I don't know. I mean, I don't think they'd just go away, but..." His hand raked itself through his hair, as it often did when he was feeling overwhelmed. This was a difficult question, and he wasn't sure what the answer really was, or what they were looking for. "I guess, it's technically not _worse_ than the zombie apocalypse, but you're still going to think about it. It still hurts, regardless."

Five nodded slowly. "I guess that's right. I'm not sure what that means for me, though."

"What do you mean?"

They sighed. "See, I know a lot of people lost somebody important when the apocalypse started. They got separated, or watched them go grey, or get eaten... but..." They paused, biting their lip. "What if... what if there were someone out there who had nothing to lose before the apocalypse? No friends, no family, nothing? What if they never had anybody to care about until after, and then they started losing those people?"

Five's words caught Sam off guard. Five had always been rather tight-lipped about their past. Could they be...? "Five? Are you saying...?"

"Yeah." Their eyes dropped to their knees. "Until I got to Abel, I didn't really have anybody to care about. So I didn't really have anyone to miss when the outbreak hit. To this day, I have no idea what happened to any of my family... none of them really spoke to me, anyway. I had a handful of friends growing up, scattered over the years, but most of them turned their backs on me. Or they would say they were my friend, and then they would treat me like crap, or avoid me like the plague because I was too 'weird' or whatever. When I came here... and I started making friends... I thought that that would change. I thought that I would never have to deal with betrayal again. I thought that I could start to trust again. But..." They stopped there, their hands twisting into the fabric of their pants.

"You're talking about Runner Three."

They nodded. He had guessed right. "I've been trying not to let it get to me, but... he was my _friend._ I would have done anything for him, and he sold us all out. He sold me out. Just because he wanted to be immortal. He was going to kill all of us in order to save his own selfish hide. We didn't mean shit to him. But that's not even the worst part." They had now drawn their knees to their chest, their calves crossed, arms wrapped around their legs.

"What's the worst part?"

"The worst part is that I think might be just like him."

"No way, Five. I've watched you work, you're not selfish enough for that."

"But what if I am?" They looked him in the eyes, their expression some combination of demanding and desperate. "Listen, Sam, I thought about it, and immortality's not a bad deal. No one wants to die, not really. Not even me. Someone walks up to me and offers me the chance to live forever, I don't know that I wouldn't take it. I don't know that I wouldn't do exactly what he did."

"I know you wouldn't."

"How? How do you know that? What proof do you have that I won't? I know everyone thinks I'm this great hero or whatever, but... I'm not that great. I might not even be a good person. And there's no proof that I am." They turned away from him, their eyes fixed on the floor. Their voice lowered to nearly a whisper. "That's why I was always alone. When I tried to care about people, I couldn't do anything right, and they always ended up hurting me. It was easier to just care about myself. So... now I don't think I know how to care about anyone else."

Sam was at a crossroads. He wasn't exactly equipped to handle this level of emotional stress. There was no amount of Curly-Wurlies in the world that could come even close to mending what Five was going through right now. At this rate, there was nothing he could possibly do for them.

Maybe all he could do was send them to Maxine... no, they wouldn't go. He had tried before, and they always just argued him down, insisting that they didn't want to take up her time, that it wasn't that bad or important. If he tried to suggest that now, they might just get aggravated and shut him out again.

He had to try something else. Anything. They were his friend, he wasn't just going to watch them suffer.

"Listen... Five," he began. "I said before, no one knows what they would do in a situation until they're in it. I know that. It's all just guessing, really. But... sometimes you know deep down that your guess is right. And I know I'm right about you."

"How." They just sounded frustrated at this point. "What makes you think I'm this great and wonderful person?"

He grabbed one end of her scarf, waving it. "This. For instance." Their eyes shifted to the scrap of red in his hands, then to his own, clearly thrown off. "You remember the day you got this, right? What it was for?"

"... yeah? It was for leading those zoms away from Maggie, right? Um, Evan gave it to me after I got back inside."

"Exactly. You could have let her die that day. A lot of people would have done, they wouldn't have been brave enough, especially a brand-new Runner still in training. But you did it, and you didn't panic the entire time, even though you were terrified." 

"But... I had to do that. I was the only one available, you and Maxine asked me to do it, and I couldn't just let her die..."

"No, you couldn't. You chose to save her, even though you could've died yourself. And that's all you've ever done, Five. You've done things nobody even asked you to do, things you shouldn't have had to do. Nobody who would do all of that would be the type of person to turn traitor."

"I guess, but... Simon always seemed so loyal, too..."

" _Seemed._ He acted like he was loyal, but he was always planning on choosing Van Ark and his weird immortality drugs over us. You've never been like that. No matter how hard things got, no matter the danger, you've always chosen us. And there's not a doubt in my mind that if you had gotten the same offer, you still would have chosen us. That's the difference between you two... who and what you chose."

Their eyes wide, Five fixed them on Sam for several moments, unblinking. Finally they cast their vision back to their knees, a small smile curling their lips.

"You have too much faith in me. But thank you. I guess I just needed to remember what's important."

He patted their back reassuringly, smiling. "Of course."

"Oh, and... thanks for believing in me. I understand why Janine wanted to blame me, and I'm not mad. But... it was still nice to know that there was someone on my side."

"Yeah, no problem. But... I'm sure Janine's got your back too. She just--"

"I know. It's okay." They looked at him again, their smile a little wider. "I'm better now. Thanks for being there."

He nodded in acknowledgement. "Say... you want to head to the rec room, maybe try to get in a game before curfew? You still owe me a rematch in Sequence, you know."

They grinned shrewdly at him. "If you really enjoy getting your ass handed to you that much, let's go for it."

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of still being depressed about some of the events of S2M43 and deciding to write self-indulgent hurt/comfort fic to salve the pain. I swear this season broke me and I'm terrified of the remaining six.
> 
> Title is a song by Shinedown, because I have decided that that song is about Five and Simon after the reveal and you can't change my mind.


End file.
